Well done things are odd. The bright side is that they show how a victory can be on minds forever, but the bad part is exactly the same thing: golden achievements are so perfect that I get afraid of trying again. Just can't do it again, just can't find ones that just fit the roles beside mine. Therefore, my mind always walk to the part that, even if I am aware that it must be put aside, leads to the most perfect relationship I've ever built in life. She was not perfect, neither was I. The perfection of all we had was that we were linked in a really deep way. I don't know how was her linkage, can't read minds. I, for example, was too determined that coudln't even pay attention to easy girls I had around while I was living far away from her. I mean, I could easily cheat a lot, but just didn't feel like doing it. My linkage with her was not about flesh desires; it was far more than that. It was love. At least for me it was real. With her nearby or not, I was happy, was fulfilled with joy. It was really perfect in every single way and I can't explain well why; I just know that a well fought battle is extremely more worth than a victory.
So, sometimes I catch myself thinking about going through all of that again. Do I want? Maybe. Was it worth being done? Absolutely. Did that get us tired? Sometimes. Questions, many questions with several answers or even without explaination. The reality is that now we are apart, or we think we are. Here, I try at maximum to rebuild a path and restart chasing some of the dreams I still keep inside. They might take some good years to come true, and if there is a thing I have learned in the last years, is that things happen in the time they have to. It's not fate neither destiny; it's just the reality. Haste is enemy of perfection, isn't it how they tell us? A bit more haste on a dream can easily change the way it's going to come true. Well, I am not really worried about my dreams right now, just about the path I took to get there.
When I was still with her, I had a dream of living with ease in Europe. Tried Asia first but it wasn't the best place for a living, or it was my very own fate of being just an ordinary man that couldn't cheer me up or even open doors in the way to a brighter future. It was hard in Japan; at first, I ignored the reality about Europe, but then i realised it was even harder in there. Ignored, set aside, impeached by psychological walls; that is how I felt in both places . Thus, being just an ordinary man is too useless to get over reality. So, in order to get that dream true, I started to chase a path to boost that simple man I was. I need to be a borderless man, big figure to stop being ignored. Let me say I chose to be part of Diplomacy world just to take all of those "walls" down. I'm already treading it, but the worst part is the rough path I have to follow until I get there.
Meanwhile, life goes on, we get old. Everything, everywhere and everyone change. Who knows if we can get together again in the future? Noone. It works for the other way around too: Who knows if we can NOT get together again? It will be all about possibilities. I might be able to live where I want in a few years, therefore, my dream can come true by then. Being again with her can happen, or not. Am I worried about it? Not really, because I think about possibilities, and she is totally worth having me fighting all over again for a nice relationship. At least, this is a possibility more interesting than me finding another "her" in where I am right now. The girls around me grew up inside another kind of culture; they have different ways of thinking, when they can do it (hope to not be taken personally by saying this). I am not young anymore, neither am rich os have a nice car, and those girls are all about these. Cherish what they see, not what makes them feel. I have a lot to share; but like told above, just can't find someone I feel like worth fighting for, someone that can fill the roles. These are part of the things that make my hope about this kind of thing be put aside. Then here comes another crucial question: Can I forecast the future? Of course no. I may find another woman right in the moment I finish to write this, or may not; that is the reason I don't chase after answers anymore. Better like this, because life wouldn't be worth living if we knew everything... Not knowing how things will work out is part of the fun.
As last words, I just wanted to throw up some stingy thoughts outside my heart. No matter how hard I try to not compare girls, my "best relationship ever" issue shows up. Good to have a relationship model to count on; not good to have a too perfect one. While I get no answers for everything, I keep living with enthusiasm every simple day, making myself a better man, hoping to be able to catch chances at the very right time they happen.
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